(via Beelog)
(via Beelog)
(via Beelog)
(via Beelog)
Motivation
It’s 2002. I am a few shows into what will undoubtably become a lifelong pursuit. Recently I confirmed my passion, which will become an obsession. My addiction: Standup Comedy.
I am sitting in a comedy club in Calgary Alberta. It’s an hour before the the open-mic and, like every week, the headliner is about to talk openly to a room of amateur comics. We sit and eagerly wait to benefit from experiences and insights from a seasoned veteran, to get insider information on our craft straight from the horse’s mouth. (An invaluable opportunity, yet one I have never seen repeated).
This particular week the Headliner goes around the room and asks why we decided to try standup. I don’t over think my answer, it sounds so obvious to me.
“It’s what scared me the most in the world”.
What other reason could I have for trying something this extreme? The best moments in my life have all required a momentary lapse in judgment or decision to ignore of the logical choice. I pinpoint what scares me and temporarily ignore my instincts to flee long enough to sample what lies on the other side.
The headliner acknowledges the validity of my reason with public speaking being the number one public fear. After a few more answers surveyed from the room, he informs us that no matter what brought us here, at some point our answer must be “To make money”. This is a business, and if we want to keep doing it we must find a way to make a living at it.
Now It’s 2012. I am sitting in my new apartment in West Hollywood. My room is empty but for two bags of clothing, a slow cooker, and several books filled with jokes. This is everything I own in the world after another trademark purge. I haven’t learned my lesson yet, I still haven’t figured this out.
People ask “why LA?” and my answer is still the same. It’s what scared me the most in the world.
Mortal Kombat Post Fight Interview with Stryker.
Written By Nathan Macintosh
Drawn By Andrew Hamm
Source: andrewhamm
LA: the bad
Dear life:
Good one, you got me. Seriously, I love pranks as much as anyone, but I can tell you really went all out. You’ve truly outdone yourself. I mean, resetting my credit rating so the best car I could afford (the Acura: Lemon) could leave me stranded in a huge city in a foreign country TWICE in my first month. Hilarious. A lesser jokester would let me drive a bit, develop a sense of comfort and THEN pull the rug out, but then again they don’t call you ‘the old spirit-breaker’ for nothing.
If I remember, a new starter, a car accident and an exploding radiator later and I think I can outsmart you by waiting for a replacement car. I can still walk in the mean time, right? And by walk, I mean limp on what soon became my severely sprained ankle. What hubris! Here I was, thinking that a lifetime of practice could prepare me for the deathtrap known as an LA sidewalk. You must have spent years finding just the right mixture of earthquakes, tree roots and neglect to guarantee that anyone who isn’t part mountain goat is fucked.
If you ask me, you’re at the top of your game because of your foresight. You must have known I would rely on public transit (which locals lovingly refer to as ‘unusable’). One day, I waited for the bus to arrive… it didn’t. Then I waited for the next to arrive… and it didn’t. I wait for 2 additional busses with still nothing. Finally I realize “hey, I don’t think there IS any bus”. I felt like I had relived becoming an Atheist. At least the Subway is consistent; I can always count on at least two angry homeless men to keep me company with their tortured screams in the morning. Sometimes I get them to wail the O’ Canada just to remind me of home.
At night I lie awake and marvel at your attention to detail. Here I am paying the highest rent in my life for a place that is a 10 minute walk from 3 different retirement homes and nothing else. I sure can see why people flocked to Hollywood in the 20’s for a chance to meet some beautiful scarlets. In fact I can hit on those EXACT SAME scarlets if I buy them a round of vitamins at one of my local ‘hot spots’.
But putting up with all your shenanigans is worth it when I finally get to perform. Telling my jokes at endless open mics, each filled fewer audience members than the one before (starting at zero, of course). When I feel the disinterested stares and awkward twitches of a room full of comedians night after night, it really makes this all worth it. Why the days of actually getting an audience sure had me spoiled. Good thing all my Canadian credits are more than enough to get me just as few returned emails as everyone else who just moved here.
I am having a fun figuring this out, and your unexpected surprises only make me work harder. I knew this would be tough and you forgot one thing: you weren’t all that good to me in Canada either. I’m only 4 months into this and as luck would have it I’m too poor to move back even if I wanted to. You won’t break me, life. (You may kill me, but please don’t). Also, you may break me, but please don’t. I really want to see how much more you have in store for me. Please just give me a working car, and a fighting shot in this city. I really want to see how this joke ends.
Signed
your biggest fan
Steve Scholtz
Blog 2.0
So here it is, my second attempt at a Blog. If you don’t remember the first, let me bring you up to speed.
I wrote one entry based on some standup I had about being in a long distance relationship. I hadn’t seen my girlfriend for close to 5 months and missed her very much. I also REALLY missed sex.
One of the lines I was rather proud of was: “When your in love you do stupid things… like NOT fuck other people.”
I THOUGHT I wrote something so honest and funny it would be universal. That people appreciate it and best of all my girlfriend would see how much I missed her.
What I ACTUALLY wrote was something that completely infuriated her and made her friends hate me. Our relationship is now over.
…so in comedy terms The joke didn’t land!
I was shocked that sometimes people pay attention to what’s on the internet (who knew?) But I am now aware how how high the stakes are, like typing on a keyboard that is randomly electrified! Luckily, this time I have taken the liberty of moving to LA; and thereby pre-emptively cutting off everyone in my life long before a blog sends them packing (Smart huh? Like avoiding skin cancer by removing my skin).
The past 3 months have been quite busy for me but the dust is settling and I am starting to adjust to my new life which, to the untrained eye, looks EXACTLY like Jon Favreau’s in ‘Swingers’. (Right on cue, Darrin Rose and I are hitting Vegas today to cuz I am so money).
I’m not sure what this blog will be but lets find out together. I will make it as honest and funny as possible, but please don’t take anything you read here too serious. I would hate to offend you too. You smell.
Steve Schotlz
Los Angeles Nov 11 2011
